And then Mr. & Mrs. Jiggles lived happily ever after

Last night Mike and I had quite a conversation about movies. Here is how it all went down:

We were lounging on the couch watching TV. It was late, and I had been tired all evening, so my brain was functioning in that weird zone where everything is funnier and more distorted than normal. One of us (I don't remember who) mentioned that it had been a while since we've been on a date night, and we need to plan one for the near future.

This always leads to discussing what movies are playing, and which ones we might want to see.

This is when a commercial for the "27 Dresses" DVD came on.

Me: Did we go see that together?
Mike: No.
Me: Really? I know I saw it with someone. It was a great movie.
Mike: Yeah, I'm sure it's great. Just like "Music and Lyrics" was a great movie. [insert sarcasm]
Me: Come on! It wasn't that bad.
Mike: I would have fallen asleep if it hadn't been for cologne man.

When we go to the movies we seem to be magnets for people with boundary issues. At "Music and Lyrics" our original seating arrangement was this:

Aisle, Seat 1, Seat 2, Mike, Erin, the rest of the empty row.

Right before the movie started an older woman came and sat in Seat 1. About 2/3 of the way through the movie, cologne man entered the theater (which was probably less than 1/2 full), approached our row, climbed over the lady in Seat 1, and sat down in Seat 2. The first problem was he was wearing way too much cologne. (Hence, his nickname.) The second problem was he was clearly violating a major rule of the Man Code - the one about leaving a seat between yourself and any other man in the theater. Especially a stranger.

I thought maybe he knew the lady in Seat 1, and was late in meeting her at the movie. But about five minutes before the movie ended, cologne man got up and left. He never said a word to the lady in Seat 1, so obviously they had no connection.

I have so many questions about this - why would you enter a movie that was 2/3 over, and then choose a seat where you would be sandwiched between two strangers? And then leave before the end of the movie? Weird.

So Mike and I reminisced about cologne man, and Mike continued to express what a horrible movie experience it was.

Mike: You owe me for that one.
Me: What do you mean, "I owe you"?
Mike: I mean, I should get to pick a movie that I want to see but you don't.
Me: There is one major problem with this plan: I actually like all of the movies you like.

Mike thought about this for a moment, and realized (of course) that I was right. I like action movies, murder mysteries, superhero movies, science fiction movies, comedies, etc. (I will even happily watch MythBusters, Dirty Jobs, and The Deadliest Catch with him. And I like football.) This put quite a damper on his evil plan.

Mike: Ok, what about horror movies?
Me: Do you really want to watch horror movies?
Mike: Maybe.
Me: You know they give me nightmares. Do you want me to have nightmares? Is that what you want for your wife?
Mike: But I'm right there in the bed with you, to comfort you if you have one.

(pause, while I give him a wifely look)

Mike: Ok, fine. No horror movies.
Me: You have to admit, I don't make you watch chick flicks all that often. I could make you watch the five-hour version of "Pride and Prejudice."
Mike: Hey - I already watched that with you!
Me: Nuh-uh.
Mike: Yes! Yes I did! I sat through that whole thing!
Me: When??
Mike: Before we were married. We watched it at your parent's house.
Me: I don't remember that. I don't know if I believe you. Tell me what it's about.
Mike: Well, I know it has that one guy in it. What was his name? Mr. something. Mr. ... Mr. ... Mr. Jiggles. Or something like that.

This is when I lost it. I absolutely positively lost it. I almost choked because of the amount of laughter trying to escape my body all at one time.

Me: [laughing hysterically, gasping for air]
Mike: Isn't that his name? It was something weird like that.
Me: [through my gasping, coughing, laughing fit] Mister. [gasp] Jiggles. [cough] Haaaaaaahahahaha!

I was trying to imagine a Jane Austin character named Mr. Jiggles. The only thing that came to mind was some sort of SNL skit starring Will Ferrell as Mr. Jiggles.

Mike: [looking perplexed] Well, what was his name?
Me: It [cough] was [gasp], Mr. [more gasping] ... Mr. Jiggles! Ha! Where did you get Mr. Jiggles???
Mike: [getting annoyed] WHAT was his name? You know, the one the girls wanted to marry.
Me: Are you thinking of Mr. Bingley?
Mike: Mr. WHO? Bingley? You're telling me that is better than Mr. Jiggles?
Me: [still laughing/gasping/coughing] Or were you thinking of Mr. Darcy?
Mike: Mr. Darcy! Yes!
Me: How did you go from Darcy to Jiggles? [more laughing, more coughing] I don't understand.
[annoyed look from Mike]
Mike: Wasn't he the one that wanted to marry the girl, but she couldn't marry him because of the other girl, and there was that other guy that all the girls wanted to marry, and there were all the sisters...
Me: [still laughing] I think you just described most of Jane Austin's books.
Mike: Well, anyway, I sat through that movie. All five hours of it. You owe me, like, five movies for that.
Me: No, it doesn't really count because we were engaged. You were still trying to impress me.
Mike: It does too count!
Me: Ok, fine, whatever.

[30 second pause]

Me: [bursting into a fit of laughter] Mr. Jiggles!!!!!!!! Haaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!