Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I yelled at God today

Yes ma'am, I did. I really let him have it.

Thankfully, he's big enough to take it.

It all started this morning. I got up feeling ok, but then I started thinking about everything that needs to be done. The more I thought, the more I got stressed out. And then, it happened.

I suddenly found myself in a crumpled heap on the bathroom floor, sobbing. Wailing. Hyperventilating. Wondering if this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown.

I could hear Kaitlyn at the bottom of the stairs, expressing her concern because mommy was crying.

I wanted to stop crying so she wouldn't be worried. And, of course, that just made me cry even more.

Part of me felt so silly, and so out of control. But I knew it was time to let it all come out.

All of the stress of the past two months. All the stress that comes with selling a house, and buying a house, and trying not to worry too much about everything coming together for the closing.

All the stress that comes with packing up a house to move.

All the stress that comes with starting a new job.

All the stress that comes with a trip to visit family for five days, and being in the car with a two-year-old, and trying to make it without much sleep because the two-year-old is out of her element and not sleeping well.

And the stress of returning home, only to have my husband leave two days later for a three day business trip to Colorado.

And, to top it all off, my mom being diagnosed with cancer. Yeah, that's something I haven't had a chance to write about. Her prognosis is very good, and we are optimistic that she will have a full recovery. But still, the whole thing stinks.


When I finally dropped Kaitlyn off at the sitter's house this morning, I got back in the car and found myself crying again. And then, I was yelling. Before I knew what hit me, I was YELLING at God.

It was a lot like Kaitlyn at Mike's cousin's wedding. By the time we got to the reception, she was tired and cranky. She was out of her element. She was tired of having to put up with strange people, and tired of so many people wanting her attention and/or telling her what to do.

And she threw a temper tantrum.

I felt so bad for her. I wished I could swoop down and make it all better for her.

I don't know why I'm walking through all of this right now. I don't know why God has chosen to allow all of these things to come on me at one time. (Believe me, I did ask him about that today.) :-)

I do know that in the midst of my emotion, the one thing that kept coming out of my mouth was, "Jesus - help me! I'm so desperate for you!"

It's been a long time since I've felt that way; knowing that I am at the end of being able to help myself, and knowing that the only way I can possibly make it through is to cling desperately to God.

I don't really know how to wrap this post up. I feel like I am being such a downer, but I also feel compelled to write out what I'm going through right now.

The bottom line is that I will continue to trust God. My God is the same one who parted the Red Sea. He is the same God who shut the mouths of the lions and spared Daniel's life. He is the same God who gave Esther courage to save her people. He is the same God who asked Abraham to trust him, over and over again, without knowing how things would turn out.

Yeah, that's my God.

And I'll continue to trust him.

The good thing about today's little outburst is it made me realize that something had to give. I talked to my boss and she encouraged me to take as much time off of work as I need to.

Praise the Lord for an understanding boss!!

I took the afternoon off of work and was able to get several things accomplished. My sister, Monica, came over for the second night in a row and helped me knock out a bunch of packing. She helped me tackle the areas that I was really dreading, and has been such an incredible blessing to me.

And she dug her wardrobe boxes out of storage so I can use them. Yaaaaaaay!!!!!

I'm going to take my time getting to work tomorrow. I doubt that Kaitlyn will let me sleep in, but at least I can take some time to enjoy my coffee and not worry about being to work right at 8am. :-)

And, I promise that my next post will be a little more uplifting. If you are going through a rough time right now, be encouraged by one of my favorite Bible verses:

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known; along unfamiliar paths
I will guide them. I will turn the darkness into light before them, and
make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not
forsake them."

~Isaiah 42:16


Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Praying for you, Erin. And you're right, God is big enough to take it. He doesn't mind...and just like you wanted to gather up your daughter and make it all better, I know He does too.

You have just experienced about 4 of the top 20 major life events that cause stress. No wonder you need a little breather. Hang in there, girl.

Smith Family Blog said...

Erin, I will be praying for you (and your mom and family) through all of this. And it's okay to yell at God, as long as you make up later. :) He understands. Just look at the Psalms. If a "man after God's own heart" can express some of the feelings that are written there, we can be assured that God understands that we get angry sometimes.

And another note- your blog post (and Bible verse) was something I really needed to hear this morning. Thanks for letting God work through you.

Erin K. said...

LOL - I was finishing up my next post just as you posted your comment! Yes, I did make up with God - we're on speaking terms again. ;-) I'm glad my post could be an encouragement to you!