Monday, March 10, 2008

Why are there toenails in my chex mix???? (A true story.)

Here's a little comic relief for your day.

Once upon a time, I finished off a bag of Chex Mix that had my husband's toenails in it. Really. I'm serious.

I know you think I'm lying because, honestly, how in the world could that ever happen to a person??? It's sort of like those stories you hear of women who suddenly have babies and they swear they never knew they were pregnant. I hear those things and I think, "HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?" If that's what you are thinking right now, stay tuned. And please put down the Diet Dr. Pepper because I would hate for you to snort it through your nose or spit it on your keyboard. Liquids and keyboards don't mix - I know all about that, too, but I won't get into all of that right now because this is a story about toenails. And Chex Mix.

I love Chex Mix. I've always loved salty snacks, and Chex Mix just plain hits the spot for me. The bagged stuff is ok, but homemade CM is the absolute best! In fact, if I ever make homemade CM I always make extra because I know that I'll eat half of it in the process. And I always secretly hope that there will be a lot leftover after the party or get-together or whatever I'm making it for, so I can pop the lid off and dig in on the way home. The wheat Chex and the Cheerios are the best parts, especially the ones that soak in a lot of the seasoning. Oh my - I want some just thinking about it!!

Anyhoo... Mike and I had been married all of five months when our church had a campout. We packed our newly purchased tent and other camping essentials into our car, along with some camping snacks. Because obviously you have to have snacks while camping. We spent one (or maybe two?) nights at the camp ground, and we really didn't sleep all that well. (The sleeping part isn't essential to the story, but maybe it was a contributing factor to the circumstances that led to this. At least that's what I'd like to think.)

We returned home in the early afternoon and spent the rest of the day lounging around the house. I ended up in our extra bedroom, which housed our computer and a second TV. I'm sure I was on the computer playing Zuma, a highly addictive game that is even more addicting when you are obsessed with beating someone else's score. (Mike and I are slightly competitive. That is whole other series of posts. Someday I will share the infamous Chinese Checkers episode. And the Pente slaughter of '03. And the time I threw the X-box controller at Mike while playing the "Simpson's Road Rage" game.)

Mike wandered into the room with the half bag of CM leftover from camping and sat down to watch some TV. We passed the bag of CM back and forth (yes, I am at least capable of sharing the CM with others) and when there wasn't much left in the bag I handed it back to him and told him he could have the rest. My back was to him, so of course I didn't realize that after he ate most of what was left in the bag, he decided that three of his toenails needed to be cut. (I have no idea why he only cut three, but I'm thankful it wasn't more.) And he decided that putting these toenails in the CM bag was more convenient for him than getting up to put them in the trash. He fully intended to put the bag in the trash on his way out of the room.

In the early evening we had to go to some meeting at church, so Mike announced that he was going to get ready and I told him I was going to finish my Zuma game and then change my clothes. I finished the game, and on my way out of the room I saw the CM bag on the floor.

I picked it up to throw it away, but first I looked inside and saw just a handful of crumbs left. I certainly couldn't let those crumbs go to waste, now could I? Sometimes the crumbs are the best part!

I reached inside, scooped out the contents, put them in my mouth, and threw away the bag. I started chewing. And I thought, "Something is not right."

Just as I had this thought I walked into the bedroom, still chewing. Mike looked at me, realized I was chewing something, noticed the strange look on my face, and said,


At the moment he finished uttering those words, he collapsed on the bed in a fit of laughter. And just as he hit the bed and was laughing hysterically, I reached into my mouth, and to my absolute and utter horror...

...I pulled three toenails out of my mouth.

I don't remember what happened after that. Maybe I passed out. Maybe I ran to the bathroom to quickly douse my mouth with Lysterine. I'm not really sure, because I was so shocked and horrified to have chewed my husband's toenails.

To this day he will argue that there wasn't anything left in the bag, and I will firmly point out that there most certainly were crumbs in the bag. Enough crumbs to engulf three toenails so that anyone who looked in the bag would not be able to see said toenails.

And since I am the one with a blog and I am the one telling the story, that's the final word. Amen.

So, dear children, that is how it all went down. That is how a person can unknowingly chew (but not eat - thankfully, I did not swallow) her husband's toenails. I'm not sure what the moral of the story is but I will tell you that toenails are not good and I would suggest that you keep them out of your mouth.

Now doesn't your day seem a little better?

P.S. The "amen" was inspired by Pioneer Woman. If you want more laughs, take a gander around this blog and this blog.


Smith Family Blog said...

Oh my goodness. I have tears in my eyes! (from laughing or being sick to my stomach, I am not sure-- but there are definitely tears in my eyes....)

Sara Luke said...

I just gagged a little bit.

Monica said...

This story makes me laugh harder every time I hear it. =)

andrea said...

I laugh every time I think of this story... it's definitely one for the history books. BTW... I've told you this before, but I'll tell you again... you're a gifted story teller and you always bring a smile to my face (most of the time the smile is accompanied by a hard-core laugh!).